jail dispatch #2: my lawyer is rude and also is mark

jamie again, reporting live, from jail, where i live, and which i hate. 

i got a visit in jail today! at first i was excited, because there have been many false calls. there have been many occasions where perverts wishing to get their rocks off by witnessing an innocent person who did not f that kid (mark did) languish in jail.

today, i was visited by my court appointed lawyer. unfortunately, that lawyer was mark. mark f'd that kid, not me, but i'm in jail for it, and now mark is my lawyer. mark is also the warden, and he owns the jail, and he designed the jail to look and operate like a chili's because he's a messed up guy who doesn't care.

f mark.

here is what us talking to each other sounds like (in brief):

me: mark
mark: jame
me: why are you my lawyer
mark: haha it's messed up
me: you did it
mark: did what
me: you f'd that kid. i saw you. you came out of the handicapped bathroom waving a gun and saying, 'i did it! i f'd that kid just like everyone always said i would!'
mark: that's impossible. i don't even know how to use a gun
me: that's what made you waving it around so scary
mark: jamie, you f'd the kid
me: but i have an alibi
mark: which is what
me: i was buffing my shoes. 12 people saw me buff my shoes.
mark: you could f a kid and buff shoes, trust me
me: MARK
mark: WHAT
me: YOU DID IT
mark: ugh
me: YOU F'D THE KID
mark: shhhhhhut up jame
me: i am innocent. free me from jail
mark: we cannot plead innocent
me: MARK
mark: you are not kool enough to get away with f'ing a kid *pulls down sunglasses*
me: MARK TAKE OFF THOSE RIDICULOUS SUNGLASSES
mark: we are going to plead "mark rules"

during our meeting, mark, my freaking LAWYER, drank a bottle of absinthe. he sucks so bad. 

when i asked to learn more about pleading 'mark rules,' i was shown this official legal document. he said he made it himself. when i asked him how he could make a legal document himself, he threw up some absinthe and said "oh, go f a kid."

man. mark is a messed up guy who f'd a kid but he is an ok lawyer.

i don't know when the trial is, but they are dragging lawyer mark's unconscious body out of the visiting room. i am going to suck on ghost mark's thumb, which sounds freaky but it's actually practical. sucking on ghost mark's thumb gives me visions that i can use in court. i hope they're not messed up. jeez.

anyways, time to go eat some jail lunch. yesterday warden mark threw my gruel in my face and said "SLURP MY GRUEL!" allow me to explain, this is a joke with a reference. consider the joke "kiss my grits!" but then replace this timeless quip with the jail lifestyle, which is more conducive to slurping and gruel than kissing and grits. kissing and grits are for the pedestrians, not the people in jail who are eating gruel in a jail that looks like a chili's but only serves gruel.

gruel time. 

Jamie LoftusComment