jail dispatch #5: proust questionnaire from mark

hi everyone, it's me, jamie, from jail, where i live. i was framed for f'ing a kid that i didn't f by this messed up guy named mark who is the owner of the jail (called chili's for mark) and the warden of the jail my prison cellmate who types these things up for me and it turns out my mom, which is like, idk, messed up. 

all that aside, this is a blog, and blogs should have fun content. if there is anything i love, it is strong branded content that you can talk about at the jail bar, musing on the idea of webseries, who should have them, and why they are important creative expression. one thing Blog People do (i am a blog person) (ghost mark agrees) is allow people to write guest posts because they don't have time to write themselves, or because they are currently in the basement of the jail with the kid they allegedly f'd and are a little FREAKING busy right now.

anyways, mark is our guest poster today and he is doing a proust questionnaire. it's a list of questions written by a very smart jackass who spent a lot of time writing essays in bed because some ppl just NEED to do more homework, idk why, i would take his lunch money though. he wrote these questions when he was 20 and like everyone when they're 20, we should totally listen to them.

and now

GUEST POST FROM MARK

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?
BIRDS

WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT STATE OF MIND?
CAN YOU WRITE OFF 'OWNING A CHILI'S' ON YOUR TAXES

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OCCUPATION?(WAY OF SPENDING TIME)
PUTTING PEOPLE IN JAIL. MEETING KIDS

WHAT HISTORICAL FIGURE DO YOU MOST IDENTIFY WITH?
THE ONE WHO PLAYED THE VIOLIN WHEN EVERYONE GOT SO PISSED

WHICH LIVING PERSON DO YOU MOST ADMIRE?
LAWYER MARK. HE'S GOT GREAT JACKETS

WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE FICTIONAL HERO?
JAMIE, I MADE HER UP AND THEN I PUT HER IN JAIL WHERE SHE BELONGS

WHO ARE YOUR REAL-LIFE HEROES?
WAR MARK. HE STARTED A WAR AGAINST A LOCAL 7-11 FOR REFUSING TO SELL HIM LUCKY STRIKES AFTER HE ROBBED THE STORE AT GUNPOINT. HE WAS KILLED IN COMBAT (TRYING TO BREAK INTO THE 7-11 BY FORCE IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT WHILE THE DIMINUTIVE MANAGER, FRANTIC TO PROTECT HIS FAMILY AND THE INTEREST OF THE CHAIN STORE HE HAD DEDICATED HIS LIFE IN SUSTAINING, WAITED WITH A GUN)

WHAT IS YOUR MOST TREASURED POSSESSION?
MY GUN. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE IT BUT I LIKE TO WAVE IT AROUND LIKE THE LEOTARD GIRLS WITH THE RIBBONS

WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU HAPPIEST?
THIS MORNING I SHOT WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A BIRD BUT TURNED OUT TO BE AN SUV STUCK IN A TREE. NOW I HAVE AN SUV AND IT HAS A BUNCH OF COOL HOLES THAT I CAN STICK MY MARK INTO

WHAT IS YOUR MOST OBVIOUS CHARACTERISTIC?
BEING A GENIUS, AND BEING FURIOUS

WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE (HATE) IN YOURSELF?
MARK RULES BABY

WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN OTHERS?
INNOCENCE

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST EXTRAVAGANCE?
SPENDING MONEY ON CARS, SPENDING MONEY ON ALCOHOL, KILLING TEENS WITH MY CAR, PAYING TO HAVE THEM TURNED INTO BRONZE STATUES

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE JOURNEY?
 

WHAT DO YOU MOST DISLIKE ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE?
I'M SEXUALLY APPEALING AND OMNIPOTENT

WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER THE MOST OVER-RATED VIRTUE?
IMPULSE CONTROL AND RESPECT FOR YOUR FELLOW MAN

ON WHAT OCCASION DO YOU LIE?
WHEN I DID IT (NOT F'D THAT KID) (THAT WAS JAMIE) (GOOD THING SHE'S IN JAIL)

WHICH WORDS OR PHRASES DO YOU MOST OVER-USE?
"YOU'RE GONNA BE IN JAIL UNTIL YOU'RE DEAD" OR "JUSTICE IS ME"

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
CARS FOR ARMS

WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT?
I CAN'T LEGALLY DISCLOSE, BUT IT IS GROSS

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE?
I AM ABLE TO MAKE MYSELF VERY SMALL AND SLEEP IN TIN CANS AND THIS IS THE LIFE I HAVE DREAMED FOR MYSELF

WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST ADMIRE IN A MAN?
OWNING A JAIL BUT TREATING IT LIKE A CHILI'S

WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST ADMIRE IN A WOMAN?
THE INABILITY TO ESCAPE FROM JAIL

WHAT IS IT YOU MOST DISLIKE?
JUSTICE

WHAT DO YOU VALUE MOST IN YOUR FRIENDS?
CARS, MONEY, ABILITY TO BE DUPED INTO PUTTING BOTH OF THESE THINGS UNDER MY NAME

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE?
NO

IF YOU WERE TO DIE AND COME BACK AS A PERSON OR AN ANIMAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE?
I DIED ONCE AND CAME BACK AS A KID

IF YOU COULD CHOOSE AN OBJECT TO COME BACK AS, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
HANDICAPPED BATHROOM, OR A GUN

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO (WORDS YOU LIVE BY OR THAT MEAN A LOT TO YOU)?
MARK RULES

WHO HAS BEEN THE GREATEST INFLUENCE ON YOU?
CHILI'S MENU CIRCA 2005

wow, that sucked.

Jamie LoftusComment