jail dispatch #1: i'm in jail

sometimes i wake up and look at the ceiling and remember that i am in jail.

i remember this because i painted "you are in jail" in some spare feces i found in my pillowcase on the ceiling. sometimes i forget i am in jail and wake up afraid because jail is always either very cold or very hot and always either full of people who f'd kids or full of nobody but me quietly smearing a comforting poop message onto the ceiling of my cell in jail. jail, i will say, i do not like. jail sucks.

i did not f that kid, g-d it. mark did.

but someone said i did it, and so i am in jail.

it is difficult to write in jail for a number of reasons. for instance, i am suffering from a condition that causes me to believe that my fingers are tiny tiny forks, making the idea of typing messages of my innocence annoying to my jail friends. the sound of tiny tiny forks on a jail keyboard? forget about it. extremely loud. makes me scream with anxiety. so, louder still.

even when i can overcome my condition, the people in the jail (which is owned by mark, who f'd that kid, not me, but i was framed, and i'm upset about it) try to frame me for f'ing that kid, which i didn't, mark did, i was framed, and i'm upset about it. my jail friend ghost mark (not the real mark, i hope, that would suck) will post all dispatches for me from here on out.

the wi-fi password for jail is "i, jamie loftus, f'd that kid. mark is innocent. do not free me," and logging in would be considered a full confession. to make matters worse, the name of the wi-fi network is "i would do it again, mark rules." this is a messed up jail practice. i would rather have a large and dangerous man poop in my pillowcase than log into the internet here which, if i'm being honest, is exactly how it's gone so far.

i know that i did not f that kid. as many as 12 people (who have not come forward) can attest that i was buffing my shoes at the time of the kid f'ing. 

the people in jail want me to participate in extracurricular jail activities such as 'pick-up basketball' and 'admitting that you, not mark, f'd a kid, regardless of the truth.' i have no interest. i am not in jail to make friends. i am in jail because mark owns the jail and is a messed up kid f'er who will strike again.

jail sucks. free me, from jail, which i hate.

i did not f that kid. it was mark. 

mark f'd that kid.

ok, it is lunchtime. gruel again. i will say, gruel is dope.

Jamie LoftusComment