All of It, Except the Embarrassing Stuff, Which is Out There, Because I Have Rent to Pay:

For The New Yorker:

For Inverse:
Adults Can Go to Chuck E. Cheese Alone So I Stayed There All Day
Cinematic Schadenfreude and the Enduring Appeal of Bad Movies (SAGIndie longread of the week)
It's a New Year in Harmony Grove
I Found My Law and Order Doppelganger and We're in Love Now 
Every Reference in A Series of Unfortunate Events, You Idiot
Los Angeles is a Hell That Not Even Santa Can Escape
Binge Watching the Worst Christmas Movies With My Dad
Vic Berger is Ready for the Election to be Over
The Last Four Words of Gilmore Girls Can Eat Me
Make Toys Great Again: Trump and the Novelty Toy Industry
An Ode to Brandon Fraser
Asperger's Are Us profile
End the Middle-Aged Lady Lawyer You Doesn't Play By the Rules Trope
 An Illustrated Look at Election Night, From Elation to Despair
Interviewing Men Who Scold Me For Not Liking Weird Al
'Dishonored 2' Is Good, I Am A Goddamn Disgrace
How the Big Mac Changed the Whole Damn World
Found Footage is Comedy's Brave New Frontier
The Unlikely Marriage of ASMR and Virtual Reality
'Goat' Is a Horror Movie About Toxic Masculinity
Interview: Digital Artist Molly Soda is Not the Face of Cyber-Feminism
Reggie Watts is the Pioneer Virtual Reality Needs
The Life and Death of a Cult Comic and Its Fictional Author
A Lunch with the Moon Landing Conspiracy Theorists of LA
Jared Leto's Hypothetical Method Acting Journal
'A Series of Unfortunate Events' Is Coming For You, Potter Morons
'Haters Back Off!' Prove YouTube Personalities Ain't TV Stars

For Reductress:
I Was The Other Woman But Now I'm Accidentally Locked in a Public Library and My Phone is Dead
Look Nurturing as Fuck in Pictures with Your Sister's Kids
7 Foolproof Ways to Remember Your Intern's Name (It's Jonah)
8 Signs Your Sophisticated Cyborg Boyfriend is Glitching

For Man Repeller:
How Are Teachers Talking About Trump?: A Round Table Discussion

For Splitsider:
Attention Passengers: The Baldwin Brothers are Sitting on the Wing of the Airplane

For Playboy:
Comedian Ali Wong Changes Perceptions, Diapers (October 2016 Issue)
The Pained Olympic Expressions Coloring Book
Thoughts Girls Have During Sex
The Different People at Your Office Party
How To Survive a Party Without Seeing Star Wars
The 2016 Election Coloring Book
Humans of Wrestlemania: Meeting 100 Wrestling Fans in One Day
Why You Should Watch Wrestlemania 32 Even If You're Not a Wrestling Fan
The Official Oscars 2016 Drinking Game
The First Playboy Adult Coloring Book
What's Worse, the RNC Or the Apocalypse?
The 2016 Election Coloring Book
Alternative Graduation Caps for the Shamefully Poor Grad
Life Lessons I Learned From Shakespeare
Humans of Comic Con: Up Close with 11 SDCC Pilgrims

Old and Alone: The Epidemic of Elder Abuse in America
Hooking Up With Roommates (Illustrator)

For Paste Magazine:
Adult Swim, We Have a Problem, But Please Hire Me
Hello Diary, It Me Ken Bone
Seth Rogen and the Death of the Manchild
The Horrible Secret Behind the 311 Help Line
Heel to Face: One Woman's Attempt to Become a Wrestling Fan
Heel to Face 2: Pink Pussy Butterfly
Heel to Face 3: The Search for a Coherent Storyline
Heel to Face 4: This Movie Starring the Big Show, or That Movie Starring the Big Show?
Heel to Face 5: Gotta Make an Entrance
Heel to Face 6: A Love Letter to The New Day
Heel to Face 7: Let Me Explain These Wrestling Moves that I Totally Understand to You
Heel to Face 8: The Subculture Stepbrothers of the WWE and Comedy
Heel to Face 9: I Made You a WWE Coloring Book, You Bimbos
Heel to Face 10: Daddy Issues
Heel to Face 11: Your WWE Advent Calendar
Heel to Face 12: Has the WWE Grown Up at All Since the Last Wrestlemania?
Heel to Face 13: No no no! No no no!
Heel to Face 14: Wrestlemania Etiquette: A Proposal
Heel to Face 15: The Hellish Big Show Fan Fiction That No One Was Asking For
Heel to Face 16: Wrestlemania is Here and the Big Show is Mine

For HelloGiggles:
Being the Back Brace Kid

For xoJane:
IT HAPPENED TO ME: My Face Turned Huge

For Metro:
It's Your Grammys Drinking Game
Beer Guides One and Two (illustration only)

On Abusive Relationship Recovery:
Wouldn't It? (July 2015)
Absolute Dogshit Part 2 (May 2016)

For BDCwire and Boston.com:
I Saw 'Shrek: The Musical' For Five Days, This Is My Story
I Survived My Boston Commute
I Had a Panic Attack at a Brazilian Barbecue, Very Unchill
Ten Years Later, 'The Office' Creators Sound Off on the Pilot
5 Things That Didn't Happen at Coachella
Rejected Maya Angelou Stamps
I'm Not Steaming My Vagina, Gwyneth Paltrow
Happy Birthday, Barbie, Here Are All Your Dead Friends
20 Things Every 20-Something Knows About Ending a Toxic Relationship
Here's a 3000 word piece I wrote on Spongebob.
Your Boston Family, In Order of How Much They Love You
Binge Watching Netflix's "Richie Rich" is Five Hours I Will Not Get Back
Riot Grrrl Day, Mansplained
How to Survive Record Store Day Without Looking Like a Poser
Brad Dowdy and His Love Affair With, Um, Pens
Kim Kardashian is People Magzom'es Guest Etidor
Oscar Voter Diversity
Please Make Me the New Member of 1D
Valentines for the Painfully Alone
Performing C-Sections on Disney Princesses and Other Cool Things I Did Today
Hillary Clinton Emails
Anti-Vax Children's stories
The Open Internet Will Keep Us Dumb and Happy
How 'The Jinx' and 'Serial' Are Changing the Way We Tell Stories
Joan Rivers Editorial
Kimmy Schmidt Is An Elf In Captive's Clothing
How to Be the Perfect Weekend Update Host
Mercury in Retrograde Cootie Catcher
Weirdest ASMR Videos
An Illustrated Guide of the Not-So-Diverse Oscar Voters
The Questionable Feminism of Meghan Trainor
These Dogs Were Rejected From the Puppy Bowl
I Spilled Coke on my Laptop and Now Everyone Loves Me
Deflate Gate Children's Story
Manic Pixie Dream Girls
'Space Jazz' And The Bizarre Musical Legacy of L. Ron Hubbard
New Harry Potter Illustrations

and my personal fave

True Life: I Was a Bartender In Southie During the St. Patty's Day Parade,

not because it is good but because it incited this weird burn from a U.S. representative. Neat.

For Serial Optimist:
The Cover Letter, or An Act of Passive Aggression

For Allston Pudding:
WLLMSBRG Shreds in Super 88 Parking Lot
WLLMSBRG Sells Out, Fuck These Guys
WLLMSBRG Breaks Up For Real, Forget What We Said They Were Great
Scott Stapp @ Fenway Park 3/31
The Cry of The Unhassled Buttcheek 

For Bridesmaiding:
I've Been Downgraded to Co-Maid of Honor But I'm Still Honored, Sort Of
Here Are Some Body Shapes I Learned About While Bridesmaid Dress Shopping

In 2015 I Had an Intern Named Jonah and Literally Nothing Else.
Best 2015 University Commencement Speeches
Valentines for the Improviser