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writing

a lot of the time i work as a writer.

i write the shows UPGRADED on super deluxe, RAT TEENS and WOKE AT WORK on cafe,  and wrote and consulted on ALL ABOUT NINA, a film directed by eva vives and starring mary elizabeth winstead.

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this page is a collection of work i've done as a journalist and humor writer, and sometimes both. i've been a staff writer at the boston globe and playboy, and currently have a weekly column at paste magazine. 

here's the best of it, i think:

THOUGHTS ON “INTERNET BAD,” THAT SHOW ABOUT THE EVILS OF TECHNOLOGY THAT IS STREAMING ONLINE (The New Yorker)
A History of the Chuck E. Cheese Animatronic Band (Motherboard)
The Haunted Zamboni and The Haunted Zamboni 2: Return to Fuckhell
Adults Can Go to Chuck E. Cheese Alone So I Stayed There All Day (Inverse)
My Husband Tim, Who Is My Husband (Splitsider)
Attention Passengers: The Baldwin Brothers are Sitting on the Wing of the Airplane (Splitsider)
Ironic Sexism is Just Sexism If You're Being Sexist (Paste)
I Was The Other Woman But Now I'm Accidentally Locked in a Public Library and My Phone is Dead (Reductress)
Heel to Face: One Woman's Attempt to Become a Wrestling Fan (Paste)
Inside the Secret Adult American Girl Collector's Society (Inverse)
For Every Vice in Vegas, There's an Equal and Opposite Pinball Machine (Paste)
Mommy's Big Night at the Monster Truck Rally (Inverse)
Old and Alone: The Epidemic of Elder Abuse in America (Vice)
Los Angeles is a Hell That Not Even Santa Can Escape (Inverse)
Comedian Ali Wong Changes Perceptions, Diapers (Playboy Magazine October 2016 Issue)
It's a New Year in Harmony Grove (Inverse)
IT HAPPENED TO ME: My Face Turned Huge (xoJane)
I Saw 'Shrek: The Musical' For Five Days, This Is My Story (Boston.com)
I Found My Law and Order Doppelganger and We're in Love Now (Inverse)

then if you're really in a reading mood, this is where you can find most of the rest.

For The New Yorker:
THOUGHTS ON “INTERNET BAD,” THAT SHOW ABOUT THE EVILS OF TECHNOLOGY THAT IS STREAMING ONLINE

For Reductress:
I Was The Other Woman But Now I'm Accidentally Locked in a Public Library and My Phone is Dead
Look Nurturing as Fuck in Pictures with Your Sister's Kids
7 Foolproof Ways to Remember Your Intern's Name (It's Jonah)
8 Signs Your Sophisticated Cyborg Boyfriend is Glitching

For Man Repeller:
How Are Teachers Talking About Trump?: A Round Table Discussion
What 20 Teachers Had to Say About Betsy DeVos
Important Perspectives from Those Affected by DACA

For Splitsider:
Attention Passengers: The Baldwin Brothers are Sitting on the Wing of the Airplane
My Husband Tim, Who Is My Husband 

For Playboy:
Comedian Ali Wong Changes Perceptions, Diapers (October 2016 Issue)
The Pained Olympic Expressions Coloring Book
Thoughts Girls Have During Sex
The Different People at Your Office Party
How To Survive a Party Without Seeing Star Wars
The 2016 Election Coloring Book
Humans of Wrestlemania: Meeting 100 Wrestling Fans in One Day
Why You Should Watch Wrestlemania 32 Even If You're Not a Wrestling Fan
The Official Oscars 2016 Drinking Game
The First Playboy Adult Coloring Book
What's Worse, the RNC Or the Apocalypse?
The 2016 Election Coloring Book
Alternative Graduation Caps for the Shamefully Poor Grad
Life Lessons I Learned From Shakespeare
Humans of Comic Con: Up Close with 11 SDCC Pilgrims

For VICE:
Old and Alone: The Epidemic of Elder Abuse in America
Hooking Up With Roommates (Illustrator)

For Motherboard:
A History of the Chuck E. Cheese Animatronic Band

For Paste Magazine:
Logan Everett is an American Girl Doll Who's My Boyfriend Now, Jealous?
The New Ken Doll: Acquainting Myself With the New Male Ideal
American Women: A Proposal for an American Girl Reboot
Ironic Sexism is Just Sexism If You're Being Sexist 
For Every Vice in Vegas, There's an Equal and Opposite Pinball Machine
Adult Swim, We Have a Problem, But Please Hire Me
Seth Rogen and the Death of the Manchild
Arm Wrestling With Destiny: The Los Angeles Lady Arm Wrestlers
The Horrible Secret Behind the 311 Help Line
Stalking The Leathervests, Comic Con's Worst Steampunk Family
Heel to Face: One Woman's Attempt to Become a Wrestling Fan
Heel to Face 2: Pink Pussy Butterfly
Heel to Face 3: The Search for a Coherent Storyline
Heel to Face 4: This Movie Starring the Big Show, or That Movie Starring the Big Show?
Heel to Face 5: Gotta Make an Entrance
Heel to Face 6: A Love Letter to The New Day
Heel to Face 7: Let Me Explain These Wrestling Moves that I Totally Understand to You
Heel to Face 8: The Subculture Stepbrothers of the WWE and Comedy
Heel to Face 9: I Made You a WWE Coloring Book, You Bimbos
Heel to Face 10: Daddy Issues
Heel to Face 11: Your WWE Advent Calendar
Heel to Face 12: Has the WWE Grown Up at All Since the Last Wrestlemania?
Heel to Face 13: No no no! No no no!
Heel to Face 14: Wrestlemania Etiquette: A Proposal
Heel to Face 15: The Hellish Big Show Fan Fiction That No One Was Asking For
Heel to Face 16: Wrestlemania is Here and the Big Show is Mine
Heel to Face 17: WRESTLEMANIA: THE FINAL POST

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For Inverse:
Adults Can Go to Chuck E. Cheese Alone So I Stayed There All Day
Cinematic Schadenfreude and the Enduring Appeal of Bad Movies (SAGIndie longread of the week)
It's a New Year in Harmony Grove
Mommy's Big Night at the Monster Truck Rally
This is My Seventh Time Seeing Shrek: The Musical But My First Time Seeing It in Malibu, So...
Half of LA Came Out to See My Weird Mom
I Found My Law and Order Doppelganger and We're in Love Now 
The First Male American Girl Doll is Historic and Also Hot
Inside the Secret Adult American Girl Collector's Society 
Every Reference in A Series of Unfortunate Events, You Idiot
Los Angeles is a Hell That Not Even Santa Can Escape
Binge Watching the Worst Christmas Movies With My Dad
Vic Berger is Ready for the Election to be Over
Make Toys Great Again: Trump and the Novelty Toy Industry
An Ode to Brandon Fraser
Asperger's Are Us profile
End the Middle-Aged Lady Lawyer You Doesn't Play By the Rules Trope
Interviewing Men Who Scold Me For Not Liking Weird Al
'Dishonored 2' Is Good, I Am A Goddamn Disgrace
Found Footage is Comedy's Brave New Frontier
Watching Every Hellraiser Movie Because What the Fuck Is My Life
The Unlikely Marriage of ASMR and Virtual Reality
The Life and Death of a Cult Comic and Its Fictional Author
Lunch with the Moon Landing Conspiracy Theorists of LA
'A Series of Unfortunate Events' Is Coming For You, Potter Morons

For HelloGiggles:
Being the Back Brace Kid

For xoJane:
IT HAPPENED TO ME: My Face Turned Huge

For Metro:
It's Your Grammys Drinking Game
Beer Guides One and Two (illustration only)

On Abusive Relationship Recovery:
Wouldn't It? (July 2015)
Absolute Dogshit Part 2 (May 2016)

For BDCwire and Boston.com:
I Saw 'Shrek: The Musical' For Five Days, This Is My Story
I Survived My Boston Commute
I Had a Panic Attack at a Brazilian Barbecue, Very Unchill
Ten Years Later, 'The Office' Creators Sound Off on the Pilot
Rejected Maya Angelou Stamps
Here's a 3000 word piece I wrote on Spongebob.
Your Boston Family, In Order of How Much They Love You
Binge Watching Netflix's "Richie Rich" is Five Hours I Will Not Get Back
Riot Grrrl Day, Mansplained
How to Survive Record Store Day Without Looking Like a Poser
Brad Dowdy and His Love Affair With, Um, Pens
Valentines for the Painfully Alone
Performing C-Sections on Disney Princesses and Other Cool Things I Did Today
Anti-Vax Children's stories
The Open Internet Will Keep Us Dumb and Happy
How 'The Jinx' and 'Serial' Are Changing the Way We Tell Stories
Joan Rivers Editorial
Mercury in Retrograde Cootie Catcher
An Illustrated Guide of the Not-So-Diverse Oscar Voters
These Dogs Were Rejected From the Puppy Bowl
Manic Pixie Dream Girls
'Space Jazz' And The Bizarre Musical Legacy of L. Ron Hubbard
New Harry Potter Illustrations

For Serial Optimist:
The Cover Letter, or An Act of Passive Aggression

For Allston Pudding:
WLLMSBRG Shreds in Super 88 Parking Lot
WLLMSBRG Sells Out, Fuck These Guys
WLLMSBRG Breaks Up For Real, Forget What We Said They Were Great
Scott Stapp @ Fenway Park 3/31
The Cry of The Unhassled Buttcheek 

For Bridesmaiding:
I've Been Downgraded to Co-Maid of Honor But I'm Still Honored, Sort Of
Here Are Some Body Shapes I Learned About While Bridesmaid Dress Shopping

Elsewhere:
In 2015 I Had an Intern Named Jonah and Literally Nothing Else.
Best 2015 University Commencement Speeches

that's it for the writing page. i hope you had some fun.